Have you ever felt unlucky? Like the kind of unlucky Lindsey Lohan becomes in the movie "Just My Luck"? Well, I have been feeling that way a lot lately.
Social media has become somewhat of a curse for me. Of course I'm well aware that most people only put their best foot forward on sites like this. That still doesn't stop me from diving into the black abyss of self criticism.
Although I know there is a certain fantasy to these sites, it's not the Instagram models with their perfect looking physiques and shiny hair that torture me. It's the fact that social media is a platform in which people want to share their good news. And boy is there enough of it to go around!
Now I know this is a reallllyyyy weird statement. I thought it was weird too. I constantly see people getting engaged, married, having babies, getting promotions at work, completing higher education. Any successful endeavor is plastered across my feeds for the world to behold. (I know that your twenties and thirties are the prime-time for things like this, but it doesn't stop it from being a bit overwhelming). My initial reaction, of course, is one of happiness for that friend or family member. I immediately "like", "heart", or comment below to let them know I'm rooting for them. (Yay!) But this excitement is immediately followed by an underlying sense of inadequacy in myself.
The more I experienced this, the more I realized watching my friends, family, and peer group get more opportunities and become more successful, is extremely difficult for me. It's weird because I love all of the people close to me, and am very happy for their success in life and/or career. I also know, all of those people I wish I could be like, have someone in their life that makes them feel mediocre too. So I try not to be so hard on myself, buuuuttt I usually fail.
Watching my friends move forward without me forced me to critically analyze myself and my current life/career position. What was I doing wrong? How could I fix it? Now before you do this yourself, if you are in the same position as I am, let me give you a word of caution: Psycho-analyzing yourself can drive you into a VERY negative space. I know because I've been there. However, thanks to the help of those friends I am so envious of, I was able to see the good in things as well.
When I was feeling sorry for myself and wallowing, I reached out to two friends in particular. Both are in the same career field and I had watched as opportunities I had fought for, and was denied, essentially fall in their laps. (This isn't really what happened because both of them are ridiculously hardworking, intelligent, wonderful individuals). But salty me saw the world like that at the time.
So what did I do? I messaged them to validate my negative feelings. I asked them why they were so much better than me. I asked them to tell me what I was doing wrong and to tell me how to fix it. I was essentially trying to self-sabotage and listen to the self loathing I had in my head. Lucky for me I have awesome friends who know me. They knew I was feeling down and instead of feeding into my negative mood and offering solutions just to get me off their backs, they decided to analyze the situation with me. When I was feeling particularly negative about something they started pointing out all of the positives in my life. (Which I initially tried to fight; surprise, surprise). By the end of it I realized a few things.
One. In regards to the whole being single aspect, I'm fine with that. I also have my loving little pup Fae who has brightened my world immensely. So I don't find myself jealous of others who settled down faster.
Two. I work hard while trying to balance life struggles and other random 25-year-old-woman issues. I know that I could probably spend a lot more time at work, or doing other more productive things to better myself, but mental care is a priority for me. I've learned not to over-extend myself from trying to reach unrealistic goals in a short amount of time. (I have seen too many people have lasting anxiety and depression from not properly taking care of themselves, and I'm not trying to be a member of that club).
Three. I am successful. I am a talented musician that can sing and play violin. I can afford to rent a house and have a steady paycheck as a 25 year old. I have a car to get me places and the ability to travel.
Four. I have my health, youth, and loads of people who love me.
Five. It all comes down to timing, support, and the kinds of opportunities available. It's hard to get all of these to line up. Which is why many of mine haven't panned out. My dad always tells me, "There are plenty of opportunities out there, you just have to figure out if it's a good opportunity." The fact all of the vectors didn't line up tells me that the opportunities I wanted may not be good opportunities for me, and if they were, I need to keep trying.
These are all pretty awesome realizations when you look at it objectively.
I know I'm a naturally ambitious person. I have always expected way more out of myself than others. Because of this, I'm constantly disappointed. I know where I want to be and the timeline is already outlined in my mind. But, I'm beginning to realize, timelines are fluid. It's like a race. Maybe you're behind in the first few laps, but there's always a chance at catching up. That being said, you won't win every race. I feel like out of the past six years I've only won a few, but I can tell you those were the ones that counted.
You will always go through phases where you're stagnant. You'll always have times where you feel genuinely unlucky, sitting there watching others progress. No matter what level you're at, if you're like me you'll immediately be looking three steps ahead. However, try not to degrade your happiness and kindness to others in the process by comparing yourself to everyone else. Just work hard. As long as you know you left everything out on the field, no matter what anyone's perception of you is, you know you did everything you could. That's what matters. That's your intrinsic motivation.
I'm not going to tell you to "just be happy" when you're in these stages. I won't ask you to smile more, or pretend to be chipper to make others around you feel more comfortable. You're emotions of concern and worry are valid, and you shouldn't ignore them. They'll add fuel to the fire of self-drive. These phases are an important part of who you are. You learn a lot when you drag your personal perception of yourself out of the bottom of a hole. Speaking from experience, it's not easy to control your outlook. Many people have told me it's the only thing you can control, but even this is variable. The most you can do is control your reactions. Another fatherly word of advice which I have found handy, "Always stay Calm, Cool, and Consistent." You'll find with practice, things will start to bother you less. Just take it day by day. Sometimes hour by hour. But trust me, we'll make it through. After all, we're young and still have plenty of time. And when those opportunities do finally come our way, those loved ones will be right on the other side of the "like" button when you're sharing your own story. 😊
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