Nostalgia is a force capable of evoking even the most distant emotion, and emotions are what drive your memories. Over time we can re-write events in our heart and possibly never have a chance to objectively look at them. We rarely become an observer in our own life, but this seems to be changing.
Today I spent the majority of the day purging my Facebook account. I’m not sure why I was so obsessed with completing this task, but it was all-consuming. With each unnecessary corgi post I deleted, and every person I vetted, I slowly dug deeper into my past. I casually observed what I was like way back when, almost like a third party. Scrolling through my feed I realized, as technology progresses, we have a scientific-research level of information about our life all rolled up into one little profile. We are creating life documentaries, bibliographies, and journals without even meaning to.
Every post I made was a look into who I was and the extent of my mind at an exact moment in time. I have to say, the further back I went the less impressed I was. (I suppose that isn’t a horrible thought seeing it means I’ve grown-up a bit). However, it was a weird journey. I’ve overcome so much within the last 5 years and changed exponentially just this past year alone.
Listening to the thirteen-year-old me from over a decade ago was powerful. I saw that young(er) girl who once upon had to navigate the trials and tribulations of friendships, crushes, school, aspirations, parental expectations, and this new thing called social media. (Sounds familiar right?). I relived that awkward tween to teen era, thinking I was so grown up and knew myself so well. Looking back on it we were all just kids, free to carelessly frolic and play. At the time it didn’t seem very careless. Every event and moment seemed like it could make or break us. I almost laugh reflecting on my past self, but I can’t. Those thoughts filled me with the sense of emotions I felt back then, and I can only muster a somber grimace in response.
Obviously, a lot has changed. My posts are no longer so internally focused (although they may still have a slight tinge of self-centeredness to them). It honestly amazes me how I would write things like “I really don’t want to go to school tomorrow.” That’s something you say to your parents at dinner, not a comment to waste the whole world’s time with. I viewed past me as incredibly selfish. Did she honestly think people cared about statements so trivial when there were real issues happening in the world? I also used to think I barely used social media, but back then I was posting superficial meaningless stuff like this almost every day. Now I only post occasionally and it’s usually pictures of events (or my dog) so that my distant family can feel connected to me, even if we don’t get a chance to talk in person. It’s been especially nice to have this during COVID. It’s a way I let them know I’m thinking about them and love them. (Plus it’s way easier to connect through an instant message now-a-days).
The more I compared my social media usage from today to years past, the more I began to understand where the so-called “selfish” posts came from. Back then, I always felt like a fish out of water. My mom constantly had me in some club or college prep course and I never focused on just being a kid. My head was always in the next phase of life, so of course I couldn’t relate to my peers. Being introverted made making friends even more difficult. I was friendly but always felt more alone in groups. I sometimes felt like I wasn’t even wanted there. Much to this day I still feel a lot of these emotions. It can become a hard and lonely life if not managed healthily. Looking back on little me, I realized I wasn’t selfish. I was just trying to reach out for attention and connection in my own weird way, all the while keeping my guard up. I was trying to say, “notice me…relate to me.” I was shy, scared, and didn’t know how to tell people, so I kept a distance. Always friendly, but never believing I was truly accepted.
As I progressed through memory lane, I was surprised to see names and faces I barely recalled appear in a fog of memories through the text of posts. I mourned lost friendships and relationships that never were. I felt the loneliness consuming my heart. But the more I read, the more people I saw who genuinely wanted to get to know me, and others I was close with that I regularly neglected. Perhaps I didn’t notice because it’s that time in life where we feel completely misunderstood. Maybe it’s because I felt I didn’t deserve their friendship. It might have even been a mechanism of protection for having to move so much all my life. Yet I realized that I was never as alone as I thought.
This mundane task that seemed useless came to me today in a time of true loneliness and feeling exactly like that thirteen-year-old girl again. It me taught me a valuable lesson. People are genuinely interested in you. It might not come across in their words or actions because of their own life difficulties. But if you respect their interest and are genuine, you may end up finding your pack.
When you’re feeling neglected, think about all those around you that are feeling the same way. There are so many I wish I could go back and tell them I appreciate their effort, and I apologize for not being in a place to understand or accept it at the time. I realized that it’s a two-way street and we should really cherish and nurture our relationships, as well as the one we have with ourselves.
Over the years I’ve learned through trial and error who I want in my life, what I want out of life, and who I currently believe I am as a person. I still have a lot of molding in my future, and I am sure I will look back on this time very similarly to how I have looked at my thirteen-year-old self today. I’ve had to ask myself difficult questions and make hard decisions. I still occasionally face the fears that the younger me had, but they don’t control me like they did back then. I’ve found my people who taught my soul I’m not on my own like I originally thought.
Humanity has never once existed alone; we’re not drifting in a void like we so often believe. There is support all around us, we just have to be courageous enough to look it straight in the eyes and say, “I see you and I accept you.”
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