COFFEE
You get to the stage where not every waking moment is spent remembering. Songs are just songs; you don’t find yourself agonizing over pictures anymore. It’s fine, you’re over the worst.
Then you wake up smiling to the faint smell of coffee, only to walk out to a face that isn't theirs.
You don’t show it; everything settles; but your heart is still crying; And the day continues as normal.
Lately I drink less coffee. I didn’t make the change consciously. I traced back to the last time. That’s when I realized the smell held memories and you made the the flavor sweeter. Lately I drink less coffee...because you were the one who always made it for me.
I don’t drink coffee anymore. It smells like you and has no flavor now.
THINGS
I forgot again today to put your shirt away. It sits on my chair as always waiting for me to put it on. Lately I’ve just been so cold all the time.
I know I shouldn’t, but sometimes I wrap myself up in your shirt to pretend nothing ever changed.
The pictures aren’t the problem. It’s the fact I can still hear your voice and see your face perfectly without them.
WORDS
I feel like the words “I miss you” have more weight to me now than “I love you.”
I feel physically sick refraining from saying “I love you.” My heart knows I need to say them and doesn’t understand why I’m holding back.
I opt for sickness in my stomach from holding in all of my emotions and love. I want to give you what I’m not allowed to anymore. I opt for that over the sickness in my heart that causes me to cry every night as I fall asleep remembering how happy we were.
MEMORIES
I can’t wait until I can look back contently on life and think about memories of you and me. The only thing that worries me is...what if I feel the pain as vividly too?
Why are some souls made to torture each other? We were good enough at doing that to ourselves.
COMING TO TERMS
How do you move on when you know you will always love that person? At that point it just feels like settling and that’s not fair to anyone after that.
I was broken and you took care to fill each crack with the most beautiful gold. What I didn’t realize was that you were giving me yours.
At least we can say we tried. We fought society’s perceptions, our own demons, and countless hurdles that would’ve ended even the strongest relationships. It still sucks that at the end of the day we have the scars to prove it was real and not each other.
I try not to think about it because I need to move on. But it’s so difficult when I look into the mirror and see you looking back at me behind the eyes of the courageous woman I have become.
I thought the break up was going to be the hardest part, but it was seeing you again and telling myself I couldn’t hold you like I used to.
It wasn’t the wrong time, but you’re not a knight and I’m not a princess; the expectation to move on eventually swallows you.
The way blood red wine dances in a crystal glass lit by candelight courts my my anguish in such a wistful way...
THE FINAL SAY
It’s odd how it’s the small things that break your spirit. It’s like you’re a glass with the water right at the brim and someone added one more drop making all of the stress and emotions overflow. The worst part is they act like it’s your fault for not being able to hold more and just leave you to figure out how to clean up the mess yourself.
It’s always the little things that make you feel the deepest level of pain because they hyperfocus every feeling you have been ignoring in one tiny instance, like a bullet entering your heart… and yet I still get mad at myself for bleeding out.
I wish I could lay in bed and dream about fairytales like I did as a little girl, but right now all I can do is sit still trying not to cry as I listen to the deafening silence that was once muted by you breathe and heartbeats.
They say, "you’ll go after the wrong person every once in awhile and ignore those that you should've given a chance. It doesn’t mean you have bad judgement, and honestly it’s not even about you. People need to match in so many different aspects it’s hard to get that spark. If it doesn’t work don’t be mad, be thankful for the opportunity to meet them and move on living your life. They are not worth your precious thoughts and energy."
It wasn't wrong. We were perfectly imperfect and I'll always be stronger for having met you; but wars cannot be fought forever... there is always a breaking point. And for that I'm deeply sorry.
When I am old and sitting on the porch, I'll remember the ocean, and a man that taught me to love.
~ Always... Neshima
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